A number of startling scientific discoveries have come down the wire in the last two weeks, and some say they’ll be important enough to begin to change the way people believe—and, possibly, vote.
According to developments out of Hamburg, Germany, space may be a myth.
“These new studies that we’re reading,” stated Klaus Oberth of the Max-Planck Institute, “appear to suggest that there is almost nothing beyond the Earth’s orbit.
“We are withholding judgement,” he went on, “until we have had more time with the data.”
But around the world, pundits, scientists, religious leaders, columnists, journalists, artists, Hollywood actors, comedians, novelists, college students, drunks, stock-brokers, shopkeepers, professors, astrologers, and farmers are all attempting to decipher the implications of these developments, and to find a way to somehow make a profit out of them.
“Though some might say that this is increased evidence for God,” said Timothy Dyser, a Microbiologist at Penn, “We of course are looking for the explanations which are inherent in the facts.
“We are simply gathering data at this point,” he explained, “and we will collate that data into reasonable conclusions later.”
“A one-sun universe,” claimed a papal statement earlier this week, “mirrors perfectly the one-God heaven. And this is precisely what we’ve been saying all along.”
Some people are less optimistic. “It sounds to me like the universe is collapsing,” said Marc Dryfus, a register attendant at my 7-11. “People are saying it’s the end of the world.”
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