A number of startling scientific discoveries have come down the wire in the last two weeks, and some say they’ll be important enough to begin to change the way people believe—and, possibly, vote.
“These new studies that we’re reading,” stated Klaus Oberth of the Max-Planck Institute, “appear to suggest that there is almost nothing beyond the Earth’s orbit.
“We are withholding judgement,” he went on, “until we have had more time with the data.”
But around the world, pundits, scientists, religious leaders, columnists, journalists, artists, Hollywood actors, comedians, novelists, college students, drunks, stock-brokers, shopkeepers, professors, astrologers, and farmers are all attempting to decipher the implications of these developments, and to find a way to somehow make a profit out of them.
“We are simply gathering data at this point,” he explained, “and we will collate that data into reasonable conclusions later.”
“A one-sun universe,” claimed a papal statement earlier this week, “mirrors perfectly the one-God heaven. And this is precisely what we’ve been saying all along.”
Some people are less optimistic. “It sounds to me like the universe is collapsing,” said Marc Dryfus, a register attendant at my 7-11. “People are saying it’s the end of the world.”
The science world was turned upside down last week when Ryan Gesling, a German astronomer and inventor, revealed the findings of his DLR-funded Indo-Thermal Hap-Lensed Indicator, or ITHLI. “What we’re discovering,” he told the AP, “is that there is a quality to super-cold space which we’re calling refraction. Super-cold space is any space beyond, basically, Earth’s orbit. It’s so far from the sun that the temperature is, according to our latest, most sophisticated readings, anywhere from half a degree to a hundred and fifty degrees, Kelvin, colder than the space that is, say, between the earth and the moon.
“This does something really, let’s say, ‘weird,’ to light, sound, and radio. In layman’s terms, it makes what’s very, very small seem very, very big.”
“I just can’t believe it,” said Matt Smith, who plays the eleventh incarnation of the Doctor on BBC’s Doctor Who. “This is gonna be hell on our writers.”
“Anyone else,” said Cardinal Johann Hamsey of Philadelphia, offering the AP a glass of sacramental wine, “count precisely three planets now?”
Indeed, if the readings from Gesling’s ITHLI are true, then Mercury, Venus, and Earth are the only three planets rotating around the sun. Everything else astronomers have recorded, beyond the Earth’s orbit, was microscopic, or perhaps even smaller, and may be contained, according to Gesling, and other leading scientists, in a strip of space less than a quarter of an inch deep.
“This does not mean that nothing exists beyond the earth and the moon,” continued Gesling. “What it means is that readings up until now may have been interpreted erroneously. All light, radio, and other readings sent out beyond that point have probably been completely scrambled.
“The conclusions we came to were, like all scientific study, simply attempts to apply method to chaos and to extrapolate a reasonable explanation.”
But if this does mean that our universe contains only three planets and a sun, scientists may have to come up with new answers for a lot of things.
“With this new discovery,” said Pope Bernard XVIV in a rare interview on Monday, “we must now question everything that science has told us. If illusion can figure this strongly into the data which have caused us to alter our beliefs over the last two millennia, we must return to the only trustworthy sources we have: the original Books, and the Word of God. Who thus far, you’ll note, unlike science, has never said, ‘Oops!’
“Until you hear differently from us, the sun most certainly orbits the earth,” he went on. “Also, you know what, fuck the Muslims.”
Catholics are are not the only people who are beginning to get territorial in reaction to this news.
Leigha Shiftless, campaign manager for Barack Obama’s 2012 Re-Election Campaign, told the AP, “This discovery could not have come at a worse time for us. We have to wonder if this information was held back and released at just the point when it would be most damaging to our campaign.” A law suit is not expected, she indicated, but their attorneys are currently investigating links between Gesling and the American Right.
Stephen Colbert, host of a leading Republican talk show, welcomed the news. “With the discovery that we’re alone in the universe, the only people Romney’s gonna have to worry about are the Chinese, and Korea. Well, maybe Russia.
“I can’t think of anyone else,” he added.
“A lot of people burrow their heads into the cloudy fields of religion in times like these,” said Chuck Hopty, Grand Scarlet Master of the Pennsylvania chapter of the Association of American Atheists, “but you’ll find that most atheists will only become stronger in their faith. We like nothing more than a problem to figure out,” he added with a wink.
“What this means,” said my mother, who’s always had a good head on her shoulders, in a conversation with the AP yesterday, “is that science has failed us, and religion has failed us. So I’m gonna look out for the next big bandwagon and be the first to jump on.”
“Let’s not forget,” said Gesling, “that this discovery, like all other discoveries about our universe, was made by science, and not by religion.”